Kafei is WHAT!
by French Pop
Summary: Kafei Doutor. Is his hair REALLY purple? Did things with Anju REALLY work out "happily ever after"? Is he of the Sheikah tribe? And how is his name really pronounced? All this and more can be found out in this one-shot.
1. Listen Up, People!

> **Kafei's Story**  
  
**Note:** Okay, I got an email fron Fanfiction.net telling me that my story was removed because it was "in list form" or some bullshit like that so I'm re-formatting it a little...  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Hello, I'm Kafei Doutor.   
  
I'm 24 years old even though I look to be only 13.  
  
That damned Skull Kid, he turned me into a kid..._FOREVER.  
_  
Now, I'll never be able to um...how do you young people say it... "bust a nut"?  
  
Or ride the _HUGE_ roller coasters at Cedar Point...  
  
Or get into strip clubs.  
  
Anyways, enough about that...I'm just here to say a couple things...  
  
- - - - -  
  
First of all, I divorced Anju.  
  
Y'know that scene in the game where I bust into the room and me & Angie have that _oh-so-touching_ moment with the hug?  
  
That didn't really happen...  
  
First of all, I arrived much earlier and not at 4 or 5am. Link had enough courtesy to ask me if I wanted a lift with the Song Of Soaring.  
  
When Anju saw me, she laughed in my face. She said that there was "no way in hell that she'd commit statuatory rape".  
  
That pissed me the hell off so I yanked her hair until Link pulled me off. I ran to the milk bar to cry.  
  
Booooo-hooooooo  
  
The sad thing is that looking at a person like Anju, you'd never expect that to happen.  
  
Bitch...  
  
- - - - -  
  
Two, my name is **KAFEI**, dammit!!  
  
Not "Kah-fee", or "kaf-ee-yay" of "cafe".  
  
It's KAFEI. K-A-F-E-I.  
  
Kuh-_fay_.  
  
Now you try...  
  
- - - - -  
  
Another thing, my purple hair...  
  
Is _real._  
  
Not dyed, not a wig, not a hair weave.  
  
It's _natural.  
_  
My mom had red hair, and my dad's hair is blue.
> 
> And if you know your colors, it makes a lot of sense.  
  
But I have _no_ idea where the hell I got red eyes.  
  
Maybe it was my mom, I never saw her with her eyes open.  
  
- - - - -  
  
For the last time, **I AM NOT A SHEIKAH!  
**  
Those guys are creepy.   
  
I _HAVE_ met Sheik before, what a wierdo.  
  
Plus, that Impa girl looks like...  
  
a fucking Amazon or something.  
  
I get chills up my spine just _LOOKING_ at her scary ass...  
  
- - - - -  
  
Sorry ladies, but you cannot have my phone number.  
  
Mainly because I don't have a phone.  
  
But if you'd like to write me a letter, that's fine.  
  
Unless you can't read or write...  
  
Then you would be SOL.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Boy, I love my Keaton Mask  
  
It's cool, and shiny.  
  
Plus, hiding under a paper bag was getting tiresome,  
  
and extremely uncomfortable.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Yes, I'm a child forever  
  
I went to the Great Fairy  
  
There was "nothing she could do"  
  
She sounded like...a fucking doctor  
  
I didn't want to go to that wierd professor guy in Great Bay.  
  
He's a psycho.  
  
Plus, I'm scared of the Leevers that live on the beach.  
  
Oh well, at least I won't die of old age.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Oh man, Sorry Link  
  
This would've been a lot easier if it wasn't for the postman.  
  
He knew where I was.  
  
He didn't wanna tell you.  
  
What an _asshole.  
_  
- - - - -  
  
Do you know that girl who runs the Treasure Chest shop in East Clock Town?  
  
She is my sister.  
  
Her name is Soda Dotour and she's 2 years older than I am.  
  
Yep, _Soda_...like the beverage.  
  
She's a real ditz.  
  
She needs to get off her lazy ass and find a husband for Chrissakes instead of   
  
flirting with the customers.  
  
But her hair is dyed.  
  
She had my mother's red hair.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Ladies, **PLEASE** stop pairing me in yaois and shounen-ai stuff  
  
I know I'm sexy, but please  
  
**STOP IT!!  
**  
I would appreciate it if there were to be no more stories about me doing some   
  
other guy in the butt.  
  
I don't see how you females can enjoy that!  
  
- - - - -  
  
Thank you and I hoped this information has benifitted you in some way.  
  
Oh, and did I tell you that I hired a hit man to kill that asshole, Sakon for...um, "jacking" me for my mask.  
  
Damn, I hate your 2000's slang...  
  
- - - - -  
  
And that ends Kafei's Story! At least for now...
> 
> Please review
> 
> Oh, and really...MAKE SURE you follow the guidelines of Fanfiction.net because it really sucks having your license suspended for a whole week.  
  
Mz/Chx


	2. TeenyWeeny Xtra

Teeny-Weeny Extra  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
  
Okay, I got some reviews...and stuff...uh...  
  
Oh yeah! Thank you so much for reviewing b/c I just HAD to write that! I mean...there's so many questions about him that go unanswered!  
  
Here are just some author's notes, okay?  
  
- - - - -  
  
I don't think there's any CORRECT way to pronounce his name but I say kuh-fay but from what I've heard and seen, the most POPULAR pronounication is CAFE.  
  
Because I k-a is "kuh" and e-i is "ay" (at least for me...)  
  
But for those who say ka-fee or ka-fay-ee or something like that...  
  
What the HELL were you thinking!  
  
Do you pronounce POMPEI or something "pom-pee"?  
  
- - - - -  
  
And for those who think I'm making too big of a deal on how eye-candy-ish Kaffie's face is...  
  
Oh well!  
  
I mean, how can you NOT see how freaking CUTE he is?!  
  
Now Link, on the other hand...  
  
Is sexy.  
  
Very, VERY sexy.  
  
NOT cute, NOT hot(t)...  
  
He's sexy. (I'm such a FANgirl, ugh!)  
  
His child form, however...  
  
Is kinda spicy.  
  
Too cute to BE cute,  
  
But not HOT.  
  
See?  
  
Spicy!  
  
I'm such a wierdo...  
  
- - - - -  
  
For all those fan-girls who can't get enuff of one/both of these hot people...  
  
Go to wwwdotfanart-centraldotnet.  
  
They have drawings there you wouldn't BELIEVE!  
  
And for the naughty ones...  
  
They have THOSE kind too (hehehehehe)....  
  
- - - - -  
  
Well, this was just some crap I had to say.  
  
READ THIS BEFORE YOU REVIEW!  
  
And if you already did...  
  
Review again,  
  
And tell me more things you liked about this story .  
  
- - - - -  
  
OH, and read my other pieces too.  
  
It sucks having stories and people are too stuck-up to review them.  
  
And Mz/Chx is also the name of my original character, ok?  
  
- - - - -  
  
See ya!  
  
For real! 


End file.
